things that make you go hmmm…


I recently began to rely on the wonderful public transportation to get around in this fair city. It has been a easy transition, I leave a few minutes earlier to get to where I need to be, but it pays off in the end not having to look and pay for parking. Overall, I enjoy it. It’s nice.  Except for recently I have come into contact with some characters that make me question whether its all worth it.  Here are three strange encounters, two of which happened on the same trip.

I was walking to the bus stop, it was a nice and sunny day in Portland, I thought to myself, “this is going to be a good day.” I was right on time at the bus stop,  however, so was everyone else.  The bus was stuffed.  I found a seat next to a little Asian woman.  She looked harmless. Everything was back to an even keel until my bus buddy got a phone call.  I pretty much went deaf in my left ear for the next 4-5 hours.  She was outright yelling in whatever her native tongue is and whatever happened during her conversation must have upset her stomach, because, suddenly it smelled like a hot dog left out in the sun too long, wretched.  The smell lingered for the entire bus ride, I’m certain it was her, because every time she shifted, the smell would regenerate shortly after.  So, my good day has been reduced to an average day, until…

All of the ass busting was exercising my gag reflex. Naturally I turned my nose away to avoid vomiting on myself, when I look across the aisle and the guy across from me had a hole in the crotch of his pants and his balls were oozing out of the hole like cookie dough.  All of a sudden my mind is flooded with these images: 








Then the lady farts again, I look away again, Oh No!


And again, NUTS!

Two horrendous experiences, one bus ride to school.  What a bargain.

My next experience isn’t quite as awful. It involved a nearly empty bus, a large black woman on her cell phone and my once virgin ears…

Lets call the lady on the bus Vicki. Vicki is talking on her phone to one of her friends, most likely a girl because she kept saying “girlfriend”. So, Vicki is explaining to her friend that she is upset with her current situation.  Apparently, her “man” forgot to pick her up the other night and she was pissed about it.  She told her “man”, we’ll call him Kurt, “Kurt, you ain’t gettin none of this pussy if you forget to pick me up again!”  At least this is what she’s telling her friend.  I try to tune her out for the remainder of the bus ride, but her voice echoed through the bus. Then I hear Vicki say, “Girl, I about died laughin’ when I saw his balls stuck to his leg!” WHAT?! C’mon Vicki, have some decency. This diatribe went on for the whole bus ride, which actually stopped  for a few minutes because we were running ahead of schedule. Great, luckily Vicki decided to cut the conversation short, because I was getting ill with all of the mental images that kept popping into my head.  

So, basically every day is a great new experience on the #12 bus into town. I just hope I can handle them all.

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2 Responses to things that make you go hmmm…

  1. anonymous says:

    Grow some BALLS and stop being so sensitive to our diverse public…

  2. Wolfy says:

    It’s the eternal conundrum. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s always worse when you can’t choose. Even Butch and Sundance had to commit to being blown away or a potentially deadly jump. Your endurance is near saintly.


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